


If I know all of this, than why?

by SunhatsForFrogs



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, One-Sided Attraction, Oneshot, Pining, arthur and gwen are happy together, merlin pines for arthur, not gonna lie this is just angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:35:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27859198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunhatsForFrogs/pseuds/SunhatsForFrogs
Summary: Merlin has feelings for the king, and can't do anything about them, and he wonders why this is happening to him.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	If I know all of this, than why?

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhh this might make you feel sad so ye I'm sorry in advance but I was FEELING it u know :')

Merlin knew lots of things, that wasn’t the problem. Sometimes though, it didn’t seem to be enough.

Arthur was the king of camelot, while he was just a servant.

Merlin knew that.

They were both men, he would never be able to bear Arthur’s heir.

Merlin knew that.

Arthur already loved Gwen, and they were happy together.

Merlin knew that, too.

But if he knew all of this, than why was it, that his stomach got tied up in knots every time his majesty entered the room. That everytime he helped him get dressed, his heart beat faster than what was considered healthy. Why. Why was it that seeing two of the people he cared most about in the entire world be happy together made him feel absolutely sick, like a hole had been punched through his chest, leaving nothing but emptiness to fill it. 

Why.

Merlin asked himself that question a lot, and so far, he hadn’t been able to answer it. He suspected that Gaius knew that something was up with him, the old physician seemed to have some kind of sixth sense when it came to Merlin’s wellbeing. He didn’t ask though, and Merlin was thankful for that. He couldn’t begin explaining what he felt or why he felt this way to himself, let alone to someone else, even if it was Gaius. 

Why.

Being Arthur’s servant, and nothing more than that, became more and more painful to him. Being confronted with these feelings everyday, all day, and having to act like they were nonexistent was exhausting. The only reason he kept going on was because the alternative, to _ NOT _ see the king at all anymore, was even more painful. The thought of leaving to never turn back filled the sorcerer with an intense feeling of dread and hopelesness. Oh, and he also stayed because of the whole destiny thing, of course.

_ But WHY _ .

It nearly drove him crazy. He had faced countless trials, quests and conflicts already, and everytime he had managed to conquer them by using his wits or trusting his friends. This time, however that didn’t seem to be the solution. He thought this might be the hardest problem he had ever faced. Giving his life to safe Arthur was easy, but this? He had no idea how to solve this.

Why…

Merlin sighed and climbed out of his bed. He had been lying awake for hours now, and the sun started to peek through the small window in his room. Time for a new day. He quickly got dressed and started making his way towards Arthur’s chambers, and a fluttery, happy feeling filled his body and put a smile on his face. It was quickly followed by a sharp feeling of grief and hopelesness however, that erased that same smile almost immediately after. He hesitated before entering Arthur’s room.

_ Why? _

He didn’t know. He honestly had no idea. The thought that he might have to carry this burden alongside all of the other ones with him for the rest of his life lowered his shoulders and seemed to add weights to his ankles.

Why?

He opened the door.

Time to face another day.


End file.
